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Quotes  >  Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

*I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits th~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blo~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the othe~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you'~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death i~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing liv~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the begin~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know t~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work t~  Jerry Seinfeld
 
*Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.~  E. B. White
 
*Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.~  Will Rogers
 
*The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's There to appreciate it.~  Franklin P. Jones
 
*Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S Relativity.~  Albert Einstein
 
*Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to loose his job.~  Anonymous