Funny Quotes
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?~ Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits th~ Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not~ Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blo~ Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and~ Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the othe~ Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you'~ Jerry Seinfeld
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me~ Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know~ Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death i~ Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason~ Jerry Seinfeld
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty~ Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing liv~ Jerry Seinfeld
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?~ Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to~ Jerry Seinfeld
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men~ Jerry Seinfeld
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the begin~ Jerry Seinfeld
To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the~ Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.~ Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.~ Jerry Seinfeld
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end~ Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess~ Jerry Seinfeld
See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know t~ Jerry Seinfeld
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work t~ Jerry Seinfeld
Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.~ E. B. White
Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.~ Will Rogers
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's There to appreciate it.~ Franklin P. Jones
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S Relativity.~ Albert Einstein
Sixty-five is the age when one acquires sufficient experience to loose his job.~ Anonymous
